a cuddle

aaron taught jade how to climb out of her crib. i'm not sure where his brain told him it was a good idea but i'm sure it said something like "this is awesome! our two year old is so smart and agile! she can climb out of her crib! how cute!" he didn't think "my life is now over. i can't keep her in her crib. bedtime is even worse now that there's an extra battle to fight." he didn't think like me. and that's why he's such a great daddy–because he doesn't think like me. he reminds us all to have fun every day and finds some way to make us laugh and giggle.

eliza will only sleep while being held faced outward with her cheek resting in the crook of my arm. maybe she needs to keep her eyes on the world around her and soak it all in, every last waking second of it; or maybe she needs to feel mommy's skin and find comfort in her warmth. whatever the reason may be, she needed me a few extra times tonight and i strive to find joy in it. i try remember that i will miss her precious, cooing smile. even when it's looking up at me at 2am.

right on cue, jade came to the door fifteen seconds after daddy shut the door. i laid next to her on the bed to fulfill her request for "mommy's song" and as i sang, i tried to wipe all the things crying at me from outside the bedroom door; the dirty counters, the clutter-strewn floor, the evil to-do list, a shower... i was there with jade as she turned toward me, our foreheads touching and hands clasped together, i listened to her breathing as it slowed and deepened. there was no camera there to capture us; it couldn't permeate the depths of her soul and the weeping of my heart.

i spent much of my adolescence thinking the world was an immature, lonely place. i yearned for the beautiful imagery of a heavenly existence with a loving Heavenly Father where sadness and tribulation were no more. i began to leave that notion behind as i found great joy in serving the people of texas. i got married to a wonderful man and life was a daily adventure. it wasn't until motherhood that i didn't want to move; i didn't want anything to change and i could spend the rest of my eternal existence cuddling my baby girls, smothering them with the deepest love i have.