Courageous

Before my toes lies a yearning heart, trusting eyes and a mind of unyielding depth. And all of the sudden I'm a philosopher, a referee, a psychologist, and a therapist. I'm the dreamer that sees endless potential, the teacher that inspires vivid creation, the director that fabricates scenes of wild imagination. I'm a being of incomparable zeal that explodes the realm of simple reality in which we exchange our feeble attempts at transcendence. I'm the Statue of Liberty, you are Martin Luther King Jr. We are courageous and we will change the world.

I am a bent-over heap of frustration; inadequate and stumbling at every turn. You are the pink, heart-shaped sticky-notes with scrawled quips of love and kindness that cover the wall. I am the pile of unread books, missed opportunities and dissipated dreams. You are the sequin-bedecked chiffon that lights up the room with rainbows, reflecting the most powerful source of light in our universe.

You climb the scaffolding of my visions and see beyond the horizons of my insufficient sketches. The winds of my torrential self-doubt can't tear at the banner of your confidence and you hold it high, higher than the strength of your own vibrant voice. I carry you on the sloping shoulders of my heart and trust in the changing tides until they sweep you away to the places only wings can take you.

I will remain in the aftermath of your departure, taller than I was with the bricks of your unconditional love and fervor as the foundation of my aging cavity; fuller than I was with the encompassing warmth of your irreplaceable presence.

(photo taken October 2017)

sunday photo: a sister act

 

for the sisters that don't always act like they love each other;

your endless hours of play will turn into endless hours of talking.

your incessant fighting will turn into an abundance of thought-provoking discussions.

you will hug each other, you will punch each other, you will do each others' hair, you will tease each other. you will teach each other the truth about love, forgiveness and acceptance.

you will continue to cry because of each other but you will begin to cry with each other.

 you will learn to shout at each other with your lips shut tight, but you will cheer each other on with voices louder than your most angry, toddler-intense scream.

you will tell each other your deepest pains and celebrate your most menial feats. 

you will love and embrace each other like no one else can. not even me.

you will be the best thing you have in the world.

painting

light. water. color.
the little brain-sponge looks on as the brute illustrates.
the little mind sees big things in little places.
life.

three

her imagination runs wild. 

trains, horses and ballerinas; i'm telling you, there is nothing more a little girl could need. 

she knows how to appropriately use the phrases "don't do that, it's mean," "stop talking, mom,""i'm too busy," "no, YOU pick it up." i am OFTEN at a loss of how to win and get my way. 

she knows things i could never have known; that cows come from Colorado, the donkey's name that saw baby Jesus is named 'lyla', and jade's real name is 'jadey-lady'.

she's gorgeous, gregarious, playful, teasing, cheeky, sassy, sensitive, compassionate and all around one in a million. 

she sees me yell, laugh, and cry more than anyone else. she's my best friend. 

don't ever change baby girl. 

-mom

today's shoot

i love this porch. we're lucky it's right outside and facing west, perfectly out of the direct sunlight for gorgeous photos when the girls are happy in the morning. for all these reasons, you may see this porch again. 

eliza is officially mobile. crawling forward with less and less halting movements every time she tries it. that girl has "no in between" as auntie lynn put it so appropriately. she goes from happy as a bug to angry as a hippo in zero seconds flat. her siren complaints often warn me that a large, deviously looking two and a half year old is approaching. i'm comforted to know she can hold her own. 

jade gets smarter, sassier, more funny and more grown up with every passing day. she is no longer a bundle of joy but a nebula of brain and curiosity, bursting at the seams of her own horizon. i don't think my duty is to build a safe cocoon wherein she can safely reside from the risks and perils that may beset her; my duty is to build stairs, towers and mountains that she can climb so that once on top she will see the power, wisdom and strength that is her. climb high my beautiful girl and fly your flag with pride.

jade and the silly blue string

amongst the well-organized, purposeful and educational toys, jade found the little blue string. she immediately endowed it with characteristics and needs, was easily flustered by it's unwillingness to cooperate at times, and saw fit to take it on a leisurely stroll around the back yard. 

i'm sure it needed the fresh air.

what i would give to be in her little mind. and oh, what i give every day to be in her little world! i won't admit it when she melts in a heap of tears and sass at my feet, but i wouldn't trade it for nothin'.

a walk with the lady

the girls have been sleeping peacefully for nearly three hours and the house is quiet. i should go to bed but since when does anything worthwhile come without a little sacrifice? a little less sleep never killed anyone, though it has nearly cost me my sanity. 

the lady and i took a walk today. she may have trekked up the street, thrown rocks, climbed cinder blocks, picked flowers, ran, and watched a street cleaner go down the street with intense curiosity. but not me. i went into her little world and stayed there and didn't dare budge.

i've lost all hope that i can look at photographs of my children and not weep. in awe of who they are, in sadness for how far they will venture from my side, and in humility for how they look at me with such unyielding love and devotion.

i could curl up and sleep in her wispy locks. i could press my cheek to hers just plain forever and never tire of the scent of her skin or the writhing she would do to be free of my clutching grasp. 

we live in a world that winds faster and faster with every breath. but time stops dead in it's tracks when this little lady stands there and i open my eyes. 

sweet memory lane

i found these photos today and i instantly cried.

and i may still be crying, though it's the tenth time i've looked at them.

i cried because we don't live in that house anymore; for two years we tended the flowers, vacuumed the carpets, peered out the windows, soaked in the sunshine, played with toys, colored, laughed, broke down, got back up again, and took many first steps together.

i cried because jade is not a little munchkin anymore. she is tall, she has hair, and her cheeks and ears have finally receded and her eyes eat me alive every day that she continues to exist. she doesn't fit in my arms like that anymore. but at least she still fits in my lap. what will i do when she is so big that she can't fit in my heart and needs more than just her mother's love? i won't let it happen - ever.

she's mine forever.

i cried because that is not me anymore. you grow and you change. don't ever take for granted who you are today because that's not who you will be tomorrow. and something inside you, which you can't explain, will miss it. you will miss it's innocence, it's foolishness, it's shortcomings and simply the fact that you can't ever be who you were yesterday.

so live it up my friends.

photos by sarah smylie

my first essay

i was inspired recently by this.

i even went to the extent of editing some of these photos with my very archaic and pathetically simple program. i just wanted some to be black and white! 

meanwhile, she's beautiful and i envy her little world. 

fits, futures and feats

fits

jade turned exactly 2 1/2 yesterday. the sass that comes out of this girl is uncanny. she took her first fishing trip with daddy and grandpa hone saturday and found the greatest entertainment was in throwing the collection of fish on the stringer back into the water, then pulling them back to the shore "i got a fish!" 

apparently you can the same fish twice.

and when she was done, she got up from her chair and started walking back toward the parking lot. "where are you going, jade?"

"i'm going home, daddy."

apparently you can drive yourself home at the age of two.

she never quits, and we wouldn't have it any other way. 

futures

daddy makes us laugh each and every day, which is a good thing for three overly-emotional, young ladies. he's working so hard to finish up school and work his way into the park system. the future has so many possibilities; our adventures have only begun. 

feats

our blue-eyed girl - well, blue-eyed for now. we'll see what the next few months bring us. 

rolling over, grabbing, jabbing, poking, pulling, whining, screaming, laughing, joking.

these are only a few of the things that make us all smile and drive us crazy. 

we welcome this little passionate and vibrant spirit into our circle. 

she fits right in.

big girl pants

as you can see, i've been enjoying the wonderful natural light that comes in our front room window before we descend into basement living over the summer. at least it will be summer and there will be plenty of sunshine to enjoy all day long. 

jade. 

she is a tornado of emotion and torrent of discovery. there is no task too big for her to take on yet the smallest misstep in the process is reason for head thrown back, mouth agape and the most strident whine emitting from her little body. we watch her in awe and do our best to keep her sister alive, despite the smothering play that jade instigates. 

she's discovered the one-eye-brow lift and we laugh every time it candidly comes out. this girl has got expressions coming out her ears. she enjoys an orderly existence and is often inclined to pick up her room before bedtime. i'm inclined to think it's a ploy to ward off bedtime, but what do i know about her little world. during art time today she got frustrated because i drew over one color with a different color. i gotta get this girl out more. 

someone's eating solid foods

4 months

12 pounds

25 inches

laughs, coos, voraciously eats anything in her path, nearly rolls over

she's got as much perseverance as jade has personality

jade just bursts with love for her little sister. "uh-WHY-zuh!" i do my best to not spend the whole day telling her to stop touching and grabbing and poking and squeezing and kissing and hugging; she's never at a loss for attention to give ... or demand. jade is a bright little cookie and i'm starting to seriously worry that eliza will have no problem keeping up with her in every way. i better strap in for the ride!

i love these little rolly-polly bodies more than anything in the world. when their tough demands and lively attitudes melt into puffy cheeks and their big eyes finely hide under long, dark slivers of eyelashes, i stare and i stare some more - and it is never enough. different tears come to my eyes when they are quiet and asleep. despite how i felt just hours before, these tears are now wishing i could live this day over once more, just in case i missed any breath, any heartbeat. they are each so fleeting.