another sunday photo

 scared of the ants

i'm now 30. some of me is old, some of me is new. 

and most of me is a constant rebirth of what has always been. 

i have less energy, but more passion. i have less understanding, but greater faith. 

i still pray and i still cry. but i laugh with greater freedom.

i believe with more faith, i weep with more pain, i pray with greater fervor and seek with less inhibition.

i hope to see you there.

in awe of it's spledor

green with life and veins pulsing with sustenance,

trees cling to their leaves under the nourishing sun.

days full of light, warm and comforting nights,

this season never lacks hope and is never dismal. 

the trees flourish, grow in beauty

and watch over all in their magnitude. 

as some provide shade, others bear fruit

and none is left wanting from these steadfast towers. 

then comes a season where the sun takes longer to rise

and is more quick to fade away.

nights grow longer, and more chill.
as the bleakness of weather descends,
the trees turn inward to survive,
gleaning life from their own merit.

the cold which pierces and sun which wanes
cast a wash of orange, yellow, and red
across the expanse of life's journey.
it is the season when onlookers no longer ask or want
but look on to appreciate the vibrance that strikes the soul.
it is when each tree stands out in it's own fighting color
to tell of it's own story and join in the chorus of autumn;
a chorus of human suffering and strife.

i know now.
i know that when autumn falls upon the soul of a human,
that is when the soul truly sings and cries in vibrant glory
of it's own tale, of it's own strength.
and yet stands not alone, but with the tall and the strong.

and so, cry not for the suffering you undergo!
but cry for those who cannot see the vibrance of their soul
which shakes the earth into awe at it's splendor.

me

it's hard to talk about myself. wait, who am i kidding - all i talk about is what i'm doing, thinking about, wanting to do, planning to do. allow me to rephrase the statement: it's hard to talk about what i think about myself. here i am often candid about the love i have for my girls, how beautiful they are, that even though life is arduous and often dismal as a mom of little children that when i sit down and think about who they are and what i'm doing, i cry uncontrollably over the depth of human beings that roam my world day in and day out.
but today, i'm looking at me and i'm talking about it. i look at this photograph and i see a beautiful woman who loves life, her children, her husband and all good things. she is confident, radiant, powerful, strong, thoughtful and wise. she has a voice and everyone listens to her, respects her and sees her for who she really is. she loves herself and prides herself on being noble and virtuous.
but that's not what i choose to see everyday. i see the spare tire, the bags under my eyes, the unkempt hair, the makeup-less face; i see every little detail that is not put in it's place and kept tidy. i see more sleepless nights, more tears of frustration and discouragement, more tantrums, screams, and dirty diapers. i see an endless pile of laundry and dirty dishes and a fight that just never ends. and when i look at my life this way, i honestly cannot take pride in what i do.

but i read a poem today.


Little Bird
Some days are different. 
One could almost believe that one day is just like another.
But some have something a little more.
Nothing much. 
Just a small thing. 
Tiny. 
Most of the time we don't notice these things.
Because little things are not made to be noticed.
They are there to be discovered. 
When we take the time to look for them, the small things appear.
Here or there. 
Tiny. 
But suddenly so present they seem enormous.
The small things are treasures. 
True treasures. 
There are no greater treasures than the little things.
One is enough to enrich the moment.
Just one is enough to change the world. 
-Germano Zullo

i am a little bird, an enormous bird. i am enough to enrich any moment, i am enough to change the world.

a walk with the lady

the girls have been sleeping peacefully for nearly three hours and the house is quiet. i should go to bed but since when does anything worthwhile come without a little sacrifice? a little less sleep never killed anyone, though it has nearly cost me my sanity. 

the lady and i took a walk today. she may have trekked up the street, thrown rocks, climbed cinder blocks, picked flowers, ran, and watched a street cleaner go down the street with intense curiosity. but not me. i went into her little world and stayed there and didn't dare budge.

i've lost all hope that i can look at photographs of my children and not weep. in awe of who they are, in sadness for how far they will venture from my side, and in humility for how they look at me with such unyielding love and devotion.

i could curl up and sleep in her wispy locks. i could press my cheek to hers just plain forever and never tire of the scent of her skin or the writhing she would do to be free of my clutching grasp. 

we live in a world that winds faster and faster with every breath. but time stops dead in it's tracks when this little lady stands there and i open my eyes. 

sweet memory lane

i found these photos today and i instantly cried.

and i may still be crying, though it's the tenth time i've looked at them.

i cried because we don't live in that house anymore; for two years we tended the flowers, vacuumed the carpets, peered out the windows, soaked in the sunshine, played with toys, colored, laughed, broke down, got back up again, and took many first steps together.

i cried because jade is not a little munchkin anymore. she is tall, she has hair, and her cheeks and ears have finally receded and her eyes eat me alive every day that she continues to exist. she doesn't fit in my arms like that anymore. but at least she still fits in my lap. what will i do when she is so big that she can't fit in my heart and needs more than just her mother's love? i won't let it happen - ever.

she's mine forever.

i cried because that is not me anymore. you grow and you change. don't ever take for granted who you are today because that's not who you will be tomorrow. and something inside you, which you can't explain, will miss it. you will miss it's innocence, it's foolishness, it's shortcomings and simply the fact that you can't ever be who you were yesterday.

so live it up my friends.

photos by sarah smylie

real mama campaign

i heard a podcast about this woman and was moved to action; i read her article and i was moved to tears. daily i lose myself in the mothering of my dear, young children and i realized that i am also losing myself to self-deprecation. my children are beautiful, it's easy to see why pictures and posts about them are transcendent. 

but me? 

why say anything about myself? what do i offer in a 'glamour' shot or why is a 'cute' thing i did worth sharing? believe me, there is nothing glamorous or cute about this mama. but there is something noteworthy and beautiful; it's the unkempt hair, the bags under my eyes, the fluff-and-stuff around my mid-section, the snapping and sighing in frustration while cleaning up poop, boogers and throw-up. 

i hide it because it's not creamy white like Eliza's cheeks, it's not drop-dead gorgeous like Jade's eyes 

- it's not easy to look at. 

but i am the life-blood of my home. i am here day in and day out; sweating, crying, laughing, jiggling, teaching, cleaning, cooking, praying and all the while trying to sweep myself under the rug with all the other unpleasant things that collect in the corners.

but no more. 

i am a mama, i am beautiful and i am present.

self-portraits

32 weeks

how am i feeling, you ask? it's the third trimester; there is no need for further explanation nor inquiry. we are missing aaron every weekend and try to hold ourselves together until he returns each sunday night. he will start another semester this week overstocked with classes and puts a hefty load behind him with the end of summer term. we are grateful he works so hard and we all look forward to the end of this crucible!

the 'bun in the oven' is moving like a gymnast and i can't complain about that. jade, meanwhile, runs circles around me physically and emotionally at a rate that cannot be described and is inevitably witnessed if you come to visit. she turns two in 6 weeks, baby #2 comes in 8 (or thereabouts). her maturity is growing at high speed daily. i miss her wobbly, awkward walking and her excited babble and coos. it is replaced now with emotionally charged "no!"s and extremely articulate and rapidly repeated observations about her surrounding world. she has an amazing sense of humor, extremely passionate spirit, and a zeal for life that i pray never expires. she is everything i wish to be.

thanks to lynn medley for the amazing photo shoot.

recital mania

christmas 2011
pictured here (in alphabetical order) me, abby, caleb, connor, eliza, emma c., emma e., grace, jayden, jordan, josh, keaton, kiara, lincoln, mavis, olivia, peyton, sami, shella.

eighteen out of twenty students pictured here (missing mckayla and jared). what a great experience. i wanted to talk to every parent and grandparent personally and tell them what an individual their child is, how much i love and am so proud of each of them. what an immense blessing it is to be part of all these children's lives and get to know them.

i am a very blessed person.

#18 no tv for a week

i did it. i made an exceptional only for the byu vs utah game saturday night. i even waited on the season finale of america's got talent!

i loved it. i finished one book and started another, got lots of things done, and most of all enjoyed the quiet. i also cheated and let jade watch sesame street a few days when we were struggling and i needed something to distract her.

all in all, i didn't miss it one bit and it will be easier to turn off the tv from now on and do something more fulfilling!

next is to go a week without pinterest....that will be harder.

happy birthday to me

amina took me on a lovely hike up to stewart falls. thunder accompanied us. crazy dog.

then, sadly, amina took a spill and twisted her ankle. if you can't tell from the following picture, she was not all that excited. so, we hobbled ourselves back to the car and went out to eat. on the way down the canyon, amina iced her ankle in the river. indian style!

then...aaron used his own play money (play means money that comes around that we get to use for fun things) and got me (and himself, of course) a mountain bike!

then, to top it all off, sarah put together a post of everyone's memories of me. it was so thoughtful of her and i loved it. it made me feel so special. though most of you have read them, i'm going to add them on to the end of my birthday so i have them here forever:)

thanks sarah and everyone. i had a great 26th birthday!

Dad

Backpacking was and is a favorite Medley past time. Mirs got her introduction when she was about 11 years old. I look at trips as a whole -  that is you have a bad one and 3 good ones to make up for it. Unfortunately, the first one we took Mirs on was one of those "bad" ones. I guess none are totally 'bad" but when we hike for 4 or 5 hours in the dark with flashlights and the wind is blowing about 25 miles an hour (all night) and Hannah almost gets blown off the cliff. I think we freaked poor Mirs out! Sorry Miriam - I should have been a bit more sensitive to your tender young self-esteem. I guess after that trip you decided you did not like backpacking and hence wondered how you would ever fit into the Medley's! I'm glad we had a bunch after that that were great - hopefully they made up for that first one... Years went by - too quickly of course -  and Mirs found her self near the end of her senior year of high school with an interesting dilemma. She was an outstanding piano player, but did not have the grades or units to get into college. Hence began her "endless summer" between her high school senior and college freshman year. It was seamless - you started CR before school ended and byu online english ended just as HSU started. I'll never forget going down to the bay area for that Shostakovich or Rachmaninov stuff and hearing you play with some hoity- toity orchestra. My kid! Ya rock mirs. I love how you can always count on Mirs for a deep conversation - she's a thinker. Love ya mirs - you treat your family well - you are a good example -  keep up the good teaching too! love Dad

Mom

My fondest memory of Miriam is how she kept changing in and out of her clothes all day long. She must have changed at least 50 times from the time she woke up to the time she went to bed most of her childhood! She was excessively fashion-conscious. She had to wear certain little dresses with foo-foos and frills (in an athletic way). She had a pair of “tappy shoes” that she wore to school. Mrs. Piland called me and asked if I would please have her wear tennis shoes so that she wouldn’t slip! Tennis shoes were safer! I told Miriam the news and we decided to leave the tappy shoes at home. A few days later, Mrs. Piland called me and said that the tappy shoes were becoming a problem! I told her Miriam had left them at home! She just laughed and said that Miriam would change into them when she got to school (having smuggled them in her backpack). Happy Birthday Miriam!! I feel like you always live your life in your tappy shoes!!!!

Rachel

The first memory I thought of was a recent one, when you and Aaron came to visit and how much fun we had. It is so rare to get one of my siblings completely to myself and I had you for like 5 days! I loved all the conversations we had and all the reminiscing. And getting to hang out with Jade and get to know her too, what a fun time! Love you little sister. You'll always be little MIriam to me!! Love, Rachel

Sarah

Oh Miriam. I have so many memories of you. I want to do something different. I want to tell you all the things I love about you now. You have an innate sense of people. You are someone who can almost always finish my sentences. We have had deep conversations where there are pauses, and we look at each other, and there is electricity in the air. You get me, I get you. I love it. Your becoming a mother is a stage that has been beautiful to behold. You are so gracious in the way you accept and take advice from us, even when I'm sure you're sick of hearing it. You have a mother-bear relationship with Jade and it is so beautiful to see, especially since you were so worried that you would not be the best "baby person". Get real!! You possess more musical talent in your pinky than I possess in my whole brain, and I've always been jealous! Thank you for being an amazing woman, Miriam. I love you with all my heart.

Hannah

Miriam, the fancy little girl with the star shaped glasses, pink dresses, and full of attitude. I have always loved every little thing about you Mirs. From the imaginary lines in the house to the continual need for crutches, what a fantastic person you have always been. Suddenly, before I left on my mission we somehow became very close. Writing back and forth for the time I was gone, we seemed to become even closer, a type of kindred spirits. Thank you for all your fantastic letters while I was out there. Your testimony helped me go and teach everyday. For such a young girl, you had an amazing testimony of the Savior, who you are and where you came from. Your love for your family and for Heavenly Father gave me so much strength. Then to see it full circle was to travel down to San Antonio and see the great work you had done in your time served there. You really did (and continue to) let your light shine. I will forever be thankful for that Miriam. Now, seeing you as a mother is awesome. Little Jade is so lucky to have you and Aaron is one fortunate guy to have you. Now it is a treasured treat each time I get to spend time with you. I love how we can just sit and chat with nothing else planned, it is a blast. You deserve an awesome gift and one day when I am rich and famous, I'll get you that gift. I am so happy we have each other. Love you and Happy Birthday!!

Jared

One day we were at home and Mom and Dad were gone. There was some kind of altercation in the living room in which Miriam became the focal point of some aggressive energy. She went outside, slammed the door behind her which we all thought was the end of the altercation. Just then, the door flew open and the toilet plunger went sailing over our heads and we watched in slow motion as the handle of the plunger impaled Aunt Fran’s family portrait that sat on the piano. Miriam looked petrified. It was hard to tell whether she felt that her anger had been sufficiently released, or she was terrified of what she had actually done. There were probably thoughts going through her head of regret/terror/ psychological dominance over everyone in the room. I don’t remember anything after that, I’m not sure what kind of punishment ensued (if any). What has always stuck with me is my awe of Miriam’s ability to accomplish the seemingly insurmountable. Sometimes I still think about the figurative toilet plunger flying through the air over my head... 

Happy Birthday Miriam!!

Gideon

My best memories of Miriam are from about 6 years ago when I moved to utah. She lived a mile or two away, and we saw her often. I loved driving down and spending time at her apartment or giving her a ride. Miriam was such a good friend to me when I started out on my own. She set me up on a date or two (bad idea when your brother is 18 and clueless) and was always down for a climb at the quarry. Miriam has always been so happy and enthusiastic and encouraging. She always is excited to see you. I have lots of memories too of hanging out with Miriam in high school (also a bad idea when your brother is 14 and clueless) and when she was at HSU. Miriam has always been such a good friend to me. Thanks Miriam, and we love you.

Gideon.

Naomi

There is so much about Miriam that I would love to say. I remember when she was in high school, she asked me what I thought about something. I didn't respond. "Do you think about anything?" "Not really." I have changed since then I assure you. But there is one thing in particular that Miriam and I will always treasure in our hearts. That one summer. Miriam got off her mission around April and two weeks later played the piano for my cello final. That summer was the best summer we had together. I had grown so much since she had left on her mission and I felt like we were the same age. We drove the volvo everywhere, went everywhere together and had a blast. It wasn't until I ran out of money that we even thought about getting jobs. We worked for two and half months and saved up enough to take a trip to Florida to visit Sarah for two weeks. That summer, we headed the Humboldt Branch Relief Society, broke down on the way to Utah, Miriam met Aaron while he was on a date with me, bought way too many hand me down clothes, and we both got awesome tans. That summer allowed Miriam and I to become closer sisters. She knows now that I do "think" and can even articulate what I am thinking. I love you Miriam. Have a very happy birthday. 

Bethany

I remember when we were sharing rooms and she came home one night from college and it was really late. We were both in our beds and the lights were out. We tried to make the funniest noises we could and most of them were fart noises! We stayed up for hours making funny noises!!! This next memory has to do with farts, too, but ya know, we are the Medleys... Me, Miriam and Naomi were staying the night in one of the high schooler rooms and I farted, they laughed and my excuse was it just kind of “wheezed out”! They started busting up laughing and we spent the next half hour coming up with different names for different kinds of farts! I also remember this one night I woke up and had a ear ache. I woke up and the light was on and Miriam had just come home and was working on homework. My ear hurt incredibly bad. Worse than I had ever felt. I couldn’t move my head and I was sitting there crying. Miriam went and got me some medicine and some water and carried me upstairs to Mom’s bed. She sat with me while I cried and hurt so bad. She stayed with me and made things so much better. Love you Miriam!

Isaac

I remember once when she was having a concert and she was playing the piano. When she was done, I ran up there on the stage and I was in my black pants and light blue button up shirt. I gave her the bouquet of flowers. Mom made me do it!! Happy Bday Miriam.

#15 wax my armpits

yes. i did it. not that exciting sounding but it was one of my goals and i did it! bonding time was priceless with katie. thanks for helping me out katie!

#14 email dave ramsey

not much to say other than i emailed dave ramsey with an awesome financial question. we'll see if i get to be aired on the show!

#13 paint my nails

yes, lime green. and only after a few days it's chipping like crazy. it was a burst of stylish energy which has quickly faded...obviously i'm not big on painting my nails and dolling up since one of my 101 goals is to simply 'paint my nails'. i knew i'd never do it otherwise. fun, nonetheless. maybe next i'll venture to my toe nails...

mortality

there are two aspects to mortality; the physical and the spiritual.

i go back and forth dwelling on the vulnerability of the two. sometimes, i realize the frailty of the physical- it's limited duration, it's complicated and easily thwarted system, the ever-changing and unexpected. other times, i realize the frailty of the spiritual; the emotional ocean, the unrelenting weakness, the doubt.

these passionate and fickle spirits lie at the helm of life. "life is 90% mental and 10% mental."

a photo essay of one man tells the stories of women, thwarted by the unexpected storm of physical pain and mutilation, who's spirits soar above the physical limitations of this mortal life. we are forever beings and the strength that is seen through suffering is testimony enough for me.

the scar project

the link below is life changing
young girls with progeria

#9 grow an herb garden

thyme, rosemary, mint, dill, oregano, parsley, cilantro, sage and, my personal favorite, basil (pictured above). i haven't mastered the full sunlight photography as of yet. it requires a few more tricks than i have up my sleeve.

here are a few pieces of eye candy i enjoy on my front porch.

101 goals in 1001 days